Reflecting Back, Looking Forward

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It has been a life altering year. My life has changed in ways I never thought imaginable, and I know I’m not alone. The eve of a new year is often a time of reflection and resolution. As a culture, we often throw the bad days behind us and resolve to make the next year a better one, to make ourselves better, to experience new things and so on – as if the days leading up to January 1st will not influence who we are or the choices we make in the days after January 1st.

The reality is that today is Thursday, and tomorrow is Friday. I will wake up in the same bed, the same house, the same town; I will probably sleep in again; I will continue to eat leftovers; my motivation to get out of bed may be the same or not. I won’t know until I get there. The pandemic will carry on until it doesn’t; the news will continue to question, praise or demean the decisions and actions of our politicians, company leaders, and other influential people. How much do our lives really change between New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day?

As negative as this sounds, my intention is not to diminish any hope that is felt toward the new year, but to point out that we can pick any Thursday and Friday of the year to reflect on our lives and to create resolutions. I also want to point to what we all already know and what we learned this year: there is no telling what will happen in the future; the plans we made can change at a moment’s notice based on what is going on in our world.

As I reflect on my year, I see pain, fear and grief, as well as resilience, new experiences, and love. This is where I’ve been and where I’m at:

This time last year I was spending my holidays with a wonderful man who I still deeply love. I was looking forward to cultivating our relationship in the new year, to working with him in a professional capacity, to learning more about him and sharing more of myself. In addition to our unique relationship challenges, the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic created new challenges, accelerated others into conflict, and rendered other issues completely mute. Long story short, for all we tried and struggled, our relationship didn’t last. I grieve this loss every day.

The pandemic meant the loss of my job as a teaching artist in New York City. Among thousands of other teaching artists and freelancers, I initially could not file for unemployment and so I scrambled to figure out what to do. Like many others, my job wasn’t just my livelihood. It was my vocation. It was my heart’s passion, my philosophical definition, my greatest joy and my constant call to personal and professional growth. I grieve this loss every day as well.

I felt the immediate loss of social activity. My lifestyle changed overnight – no more teaching, or dancing, or walking everywhere, or outings with friends. The series of choices that I made next took me out of the city, eventually leading to my moving back to Colorado. Without listing every little thing, I feel that I’ve lost or left behind a lot. I miss my New York City life intensely, I miss my friends and loved ones there. For me, this year has been very much about grieving and letting go. It has also been about accepting the things I cannot control and doing the best I can with what I’ve got. I imagine everyone has a similar experience in some capacity.

If tonight you make a list of resolutions for the new year and tomorrow you wake up feeling nothing but sadness, that’s okay. You have permission to stay in bed all day, or to take it slow; to take care of yourself. (Sometimes we need someone to tell us we have permission for these things – it makes it easier.) If you have not let yourself enter into grieving for what or who you have lost, then open the door and step inside. Grief is natural and essential.

My grief ebbs and flows. Today I feel it in full swing. Because of that, my challenge for myself today is to reflect on the positive elements of my year and express gratitude for what I’ve done and what I have gained.

I’ve moved back to my hometown of Trinidad, Colorado, and while this isn’t exciting to me on a general level, I have found new and old things to appreciate about this little place. I’m grateful to the friends who have encouraged me to look at this town through a new lens and who have helped me to discover or create these elements. I’m especially glad for my favorite local restaurants and sopapillas.

I’m teaching full time at Holy Trinity Academy, the small private school I attended and graduated high school from. Teaching in person is especially rewarding right now, and I love the joy and silliness that children bring to me. In this position I have the opportunity to grow and challenge myself as an educator. I’m teaching 3rd, 4th and 5th grades in the same classroom and I’m teaching all subjects except for science and theology. This stretches my abilities in ways that are frustrating and wonderful. I’m learning how to look at curricula for various subjects and learning how to apply academic lessons (as opposed to dance lessons) in the context of what I know about child development. I also have the chance to share my talents in a way that adds to what the school offers. I am learning from and collaborating with the other teachers in the school and they are helping me consider elements I’d never considered before.  I am learning so much and exploring a new side of my teaching self – which requires new and constant reflection on my skills and my daily actions. Working with students’ parents is also new for me, so navigating that is both interesting and enlightening.

The most wonderful thing about it is that I get to work with my mother in a professional capacity, to learn from her as an educator. She’s incredible and I love that I get to see her in a new light! I also get to share my teaching skills with her! Part of the reason I moved here was to help my mother take care of her parents. I’m grateful to feel useful. That is a huge personal motivator for me.

I currently live with my 90-year-old grandparents. This allows me to deepen my relationship with them and provide them with care that they need. Being a caregiver is exhausting, but it is wonderful to be with them. I hear new stories about their lives regularly, and I’m able to be present with them every day. We eat meals together; we watch The Andy Griffith Show together and best of all we laugh together. I love them intensely.

Financially, I’m in a very solid place. This is surprising to me, and it is a huge relief. I have very few expenses so I’ve paid off all of my debt. I am now in a position to save money or spend it as I see fit. Since I’m able, I am supporting the local art gallery and artists whenever I can. The artistic community in Trinidad is without a doubt my greatest consolation about coming back here. I’ve purchased my first original painting (from my favorite artist Carole Bourdo), and I bought all my holiday gifts from local artists and businesses. Frequenting the art gallery and shops has allowed me to make some new friends as well. It is nice to be social with folks again. There is one person who I’ve been able to spend a lot of time with, and he has been a regular source of comfort and freedom.

While it is difficult to maintain long distance relationships at this time, I’m glad for the friends I’m able to stay in touch with regularly, and those who check in once in a while and those who I see once a month at Virtual Friday Night Blues.  Some of my friendships have experienced growth or reached a new level of intimacy. One of the best things this year was living with a friend and his family. I helped care for his two beautiful daughters and I became good friends with his wife. It was wonderful to be part of their family. I miss them like crazy, and I’m glad to be virtually present with them as we’re able.

Several of my close relatives have tested positive for COVID-19, and all of them have survived a variety of symptoms and are now in good health. I was able to see a lot of my family over the holidays, either in person or virtually. I’m incredibly grateful to be so near to my parents. I see them all the time. I’ve missed them desperately over the years and now we get to share so much!

Perhaps the most important thing to me is that at some point this year, I resolved to get better at the habit of writing. I made an artist page on Facebook, and I’m holding myself to creating (and finishing) more content. I have a short list of projects I’d like to complete (or start) and I’m putting more effort into my website. I am a writer, and I think I’m a fairly good one. It’s about time I put my talent on the table instead of keeping it in my hands.

There are so many little things to be grateful for as well: I’ve expanded my shoe collection, I have access to my parents’ bookshelves, my weekly therapist hasn’t changed, I’m driving a car again, listening to the radio, channel surfing on good old-fashioned cable, having access to a sewing machine, and so on.

There is no telling what will happen in the future so any broad plans I make today can change at a moment’s notice. Maybe tonight I will make a list of resolutions, or maybe I won’t. I know that I will eventually get back to New York City. I don’t know how or when, but I will. In the mean time I know that today is Thursday and tomorrow is Friday. I’ll drink some champagne tonight, sing “Auld Lang Syne” and wish loved ones a Happy New Year! Tomorrow, I will wake up in the same bed, the same house, the same town; I will probably sleep in again; I will continue to eat leftovers; my motivation to get out of bed may be the same or not. I won’t know until I get there.